Leprosy of the face
So I have face leprosy. I don’t know what’s causing it but it’s up there with lulu lemon pants and people who don’t bring wine to parties (way to go Canada, who the fuck are you people?*) for being pretty gosh darn annoying. First it was just my forehead, then it moved down to my neck and throat and now my PERFECT SHELL LIKE EARS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME WITH ITCHINESS. It’s been over a week and I feel like that’s quite long enough, thank you very much.
I assume I’m now allergic to my own dreadfully good taste, as what else could be setting me off other than my constantly delightful surroundings? Is it that casually placed coffee table book on the Golden Age of Handbuilt Bicycles? The carefully arranged art? Or the vintage cigar boxes with jewellery in them? Sigh. Who could say? Probably a doctor. The one I went to however (who had me in and out in under 30 seconds FOR REAL, and who may or may not have gone to an actual medical school) claimed it was probably due to the change in weather. That diagnosis is the medical equivalent of scratching your crotch and nodding when someone asks how to get to the bus station… um, what? And whilst I am sort of intrigued by having a weather beacon face, I think (and I’m basically a doctor having watched the Biggest Loser on TV a bunch of times) it’s probably due to terrible diet, lack of exercise, busyness and a hint of stress. Shall work on that… tomorrow.
How are you? Are you well? Me? Oh, a little leprosy, nothing to worry about.
*Now, here’s the thing guys, you’re supposed to bring a bottle of wine (or whatever you drink) every time you come, not once every two years. Also, if there are two of you drinking wine, you should probably bring two bottles, or one really nice one. Here are some tips from the nice folks at the globe and mail.
